Monday, August 18, 2014

Long time no write

Hi there!
Just so you don't think I spend my days away from the office completely goofing off, I wanted to tell you about today.
I protected and defended my property against intruders.  Yes! It's absolutely true! 3 scrawny females and one big fat male. Deer of course. I don't mind if they eat the apricots on the ground,  but they got into my grapes. And that means war!!
The buck is a full grown stag with a  4-5 point rack. He was using it to unjustly chase away his harem when they came to eat apricots too... which is probably why they are all so thin.
I walked out with my hands on my hips and gave them a piece of my mind!  The does scattered, but the buck looked up for a moment and then went back to eating. The nerve!!
I knew my chain smoking neighbor was out in her garden, because well I could smell her and I think I heard her choke back on a laugh snort,  or maybe she just took too big of a drag and sucked  a cig down her throat.
Anyway,  I looked around for a weapon to chase the deer off with and could only find a football. I gave it a big heave ho and it puttered out a few bounces away from me.  How embarrassing. The buck did look up at me with his magnificent antlers and continued to munch unperturbed. Gees!
I needed something better. Something I could throw with more precision. Golf balls!!  I have a bucket of them in the garage.  I ran to get them as the deer repositioned themselves in the grapes. The buck was under the apricot tree enjoying his lunch. Jerk!
I reconoitered into position by a cottonwood tree. I lobbed the first missile.  It thunked against the railroad tie wall on the level below where the deer were and bounced back to me.  Good grief I can't even throw a golf ball accurately!! No wonder I suck at golf!! The buck didn't even look up. Deep breath. I lobbed a second and a third one. One dribbled to the swings and other bounced off the stinking railroad tie wall again.
I decided I needed to get closer since I can't hit anything  less than 10 feet even with my glasses on. Dang that stag was huge!! What was I thinking?? I decided to throw everything I had at him.  I pinged one off the A frame of the swings.  It rolled to his hoof.  I think I heard him sigh in slight annoyance but he kept eating. Really???  My neighbor was lighting up one cig after another in all the excitement.
I pelted one ball after another and moved in for a good shot.  He looked up and I aimed right between his eyes and threw hard and fast every ball I had! He stood there and watched.
I was ready to dive for cover in case he charged. I didn't hit him between the eyes,  but I think I stung him on his left hiney or maybe his knee cap (do deer have kneecaps? I don't know)  But he bolted like he'd been stuck with a hot poker! I was amazed at how fast he could move his massive body. He flew over my walls and off into the sunset.  Ok it was really morning, but I liked the other sentence better.
The sniveling groupies were way ahead of him.  They had left with the first golf ball.
I won this time....

(After note: My neighbor is new and I don't think she realizes that Mr. Stag likes to jump my 6 foot fence where her garden is.  One of these days he's going to fly over the fence and land right on top of her and pop that cig right out of her mouth! He usually travels with a harem of 20 or so....) 

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